Ugh..

So yesterday ended up being our cheat day instead of next week. Ionno why, but it just seemed to work out that way. It was alright. I haven't been too impressed with myself after a cheat day or during in fact. I get so excited that I'm "allowed" to eat whatever the heck I want. I start stressing over what I want. It's just supposed to be a fun, not caring, no counting day. But it just never is.

We ate at Golden Corral - which isn't one of my favorite places, and isn't something I really wanted to have for my day of cheating. I over ate - and I felt like utter shit afterwards for it. Seriously, waiting for Chris to finish eating I thought I was going to throw up. At that very point I started to understand how people become bulimic. I wanted to go and throw up everything I just ate to make myself feel better and so that I would not gain any weight. It scared me. Just to let everyone know I didn't. I just got home and laid on the couch in disgust with myself while watching TV. I have always said that I like food way to much - and I could never possibly get/have an eating disorder, but than again I did kind of have an eating disorder. I ate whenever I was bored, upset, nervous, excited, etc... How could I have viewed the way I was living before as being healthy? I keep wanting to type that I will never become ana or mia, I don't think I ever will because I have a problem with being too hungry and I absolutely hate the thought of making myself throw up.

I'm better though.