"And the days feel like years when I'm alone" - Avril Lavigne
I've never really been good at being alone, and I feel like I'm alone even in a room full of people. I just feel like I don't connect with anyone anymore. I feel lost and unsure of myself constantly. They only time I'm somewhat okay is when I'm with Chris, we don't even have to be talking but just being around him makes me feel better about myself. At work I'm a completely different person, it's like a Stephanie I have never known comes out, and the funny thing is - I like her a lot. She's happy and smart and young and skinny. Too bad she doesn't really exist. I think I don't feel that alone at work is because that isn't really who I am. I just hate being alone, I have to be listening to music or reading a book or I'm lost and don't know what to do with myself. It's funny how much I push people away for how needy for peoples company I always am. I really don't understand that one. I never let anyone get in deep. Too many lies are covering what's deep inside - and that is going to come back and bite me in the ass here soon.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Hello? I'm sorry this is who?
"You achieve total enlightenment when you realize everything in your life is an illusion" - Employee of the Month (the old one)
I wonder if that's true, it would be extremely hard to think of everything as a illusion. I mean somethings I would love to hope they were illusions. Like people dieing and the people that can take another human life, but I guess it means that you just put everything into a different perspective. To just realize we make the world the way it is. What is achieving total enlightenment anyway? Is that some way of saying you're wise or that you then have a direct line with some higher being? Ha imagine that phone call, it would scare the shit out of me. Would you really want that kind of connection anyway? I think it's sometimes nice to be in the dark, so that you don't have to worry. I also believe that too much responsibility would come with enlightenment, and I am far to lazy for that.
I wonder if that's true, it would be extremely hard to think of everything as a illusion. I mean somethings I would love to hope they were illusions. Like people dieing and the people that can take another human life, but I guess it means that you just put everything into a different perspective. To just realize we make the world the way it is. What is achieving total enlightenment anyway? Is that some way of saying you're wise or that you then have a direct line with some higher being? Ha imagine that phone call, it would scare the shit out of me. Would you really want that kind of connection anyway? I think it's sometimes nice to be in the dark, so that you don't have to worry. I also believe that too much responsibility would come with enlightenment, and I am far to lazy for that.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
what we need to learn
"What most people need to learn in life is how to love people and use things, instead of using people and loving things" - Don't know who
For the past couple of months I have been obesessing over moving into a particular apartment with Chris. But today it just hit me that I just want to be with him, and if I don't have the apartment than oh well maybe some other time. We get so caught up in everything except each other. That's not how it's supposed to be. I just want to be with him because I love him. Life's too short to care about material things.
It shouldn't matter what type of car we drive, what type of clothes we wear, or what job we have. It should just be about being happy with who you are and who you're with.
-But hot damn I love to buy things :) -
For the past couple of months I have been obesessing over moving into a particular apartment with Chris. But today it just hit me that I just want to be with him, and if I don't have the apartment than oh well maybe some other time. We get so caught up in everything except each other. That's not how it's supposed to be. I just want to be with him because I love him. Life's too short to care about material things.
It shouldn't matter what type of car we drive, what type of clothes we wear, or what job we have. It should just be about being happy with who you are and who you're with.
-But hot damn I love to buy things :) -
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
To Judge Or Not To Judge
"Easy to find what's wrong, harder to find what's right"
Ugh life. Too many times I judge everything too quickly. Mostly people, I'm terrible when it comes to judging people. I think I judge on flaws that I see in myself or that relate to me. Because it is easier to to see what is wrong than what is right. You barely hear anything on the news telling about something good. We don't want to hear the good, we want to hear that our life isn't as fucked up as we always assume. All everyone does is watch the news and see how terrible the world is, that is the only way we take a step back and say "Oh wow, maybe I don't have it as bad as I thought I did."
Whoops went off on a tangent there, but... I do wish I was one of those people that just see the good in people, and except good things. Instead, I'm the type of person and looks for the bad in everyone and everything. Like I'm just waiting for bad things to jump out and go "HA gotcha!" It just seems that no one is pure of heart anymore. But than again was anyone ever pure of heart? Sometimes I wish I could go back to childhood innocence. Where you don't see color, what they're wearing, how they did their hair, or any differences that immediately make you think the worst. Children seem to be so wise it's crazy, it's like we used to have the secret to life and then decided that it wasn't valuable information and just discarded it. Can we ever get back the knowledge we had as children?
Well here's to childhood innocence... and geting it back.
Ugh life. Too many times I judge everything too quickly. Mostly people, I'm terrible when it comes to judging people. I think I judge on flaws that I see in myself or that relate to me. Because it is easier to to see what is wrong than what is right. You barely hear anything on the news telling about something good. We don't want to hear the good, we want to hear that our life isn't as fucked up as we always assume. All everyone does is watch the news and see how terrible the world is, that is the only way we take a step back and say "Oh wow, maybe I don't have it as bad as I thought I did."
Whoops went off on a tangent there, but... I do wish I was one of those people that just see the good in people, and except good things. Instead, I'm the type of person and looks for the bad in everyone and everything. Like I'm just waiting for bad things to jump out and go "HA gotcha!" It just seems that no one is pure of heart anymore. But than again was anyone ever pure of heart? Sometimes I wish I could go back to childhood innocence. Where you don't see color, what they're wearing, how they did their hair, or any differences that immediately make you think the worst. Children seem to be so wise it's crazy, it's like we used to have the secret to life and then decided that it wasn't valuable information and just discarded it. Can we ever get back the knowledge we had as children?
Well here's to childhood innocence... and geting it back.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Did you just say Hilary Duff?!
“See the funny thing is, you’re just as lonely as me. We could be so much better, if you’d just let me in” – Hilary Duff
Hilary Duff is one of those people that they are cool to hate. Well, her new CD is really good. I mean yes it’s poppy, but she’s a pop singer... so umm duh? Makes me wonder how many things I’ve bought because they were “cool” or haven’t bought because they “weren’t”. To that I need to just say “FUCK IT – I LIKE IT!” Too bad I can’t do that in most situations.
Society has just a way of making you buy or not buy what they want you to. If someone like oh say… Hilary Duff has it; it’s either really cool to have it as well, or its social suicide – depending on the crowd you hang out with of course. I think I’m going to try and do my own thing from now own, be my own person. Unfortunately, I don’t think I know who my own person is anymore. In fact I don’t think I’ve ever known her, she’s been influenced by one too many people one too many times.
Hilary Duff is one of those people that they are cool to hate. Well, her new CD is really good. I mean yes it’s poppy, but she’s a pop singer... so umm duh? Makes me wonder how many things I’ve bought because they were “cool” or haven’t bought because they “weren’t”. To that I need to just say “FUCK IT – I LIKE IT!” Too bad I can’t do that in most situations.
Society has just a way of making you buy or not buy what they want you to. If someone like oh say… Hilary Duff has it; it’s either really cool to have it as well, or its social suicide – depending on the crowd you hang out with of course. I think I’m going to try and do my own thing from now own, be my own person. Unfortunately, I don’t think I know who my own person is anymore. In fact I don’t think I’ve ever known her, she’s been influenced by one too many people one too many times.
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