Life

There has been a lot of change since the last time I was here. For one thing I have gained back all my weight, I would really like to get back on the path that I was one except I just have gotten lost in the woods. I got married on July 8, 2009 to a wonderful man that loves me even for all my flaws. I wish I could go back to that day and just freeze time, at least for a little while. Everything went by so quickly that I didn't really get to absorb everything and truly appreciate it.

I wish I could say everything has been great, but I really don't think it has. My life is not in a place that I would like it to be. I can't truly complain I have my family, my husband, a job, and I'm for all intents and purposes healthy. However, I am not happy and I think that should count for something.

We moved into a smaller apartment after we got married to try to save up for a house this year which isn't going to happen. Chris lost his job the beginning of February and banks don't look to fond on giving money to someone with short job history. Luckily he found a better paying job about a month after he got fired but it still put us behind where we wanted to be. Back to second shift hours and not having Saturday and Sunday off. I was able to change my hours to match his so we will still be able to spend time together.

During this same time a good friend of mine decided that I was too negative about her relationship with her husband and cut me out of her life. I understand that she had to do what she thought was best, and I decided that it was also best for me as well. Not all friendships are meant to last, people are brought into your life at different times for different reasons.

My job is just that - a job. I go to work, I do what is requested of me and I get a paycheck. Again, I know I should be happy to have a job with the way the economy is right now, but it's hard to appreciate your job when you don't feel appreciated by your job. What I do I do not have passion for, I don't like the fact that I know at some point during the day I'm going to get yelled at by a customer. You can only try to not take anything personally and continue on your day. I have a hard time not taking it personally, it pulls me down into a depressing place and affects my relationships with other people. I cannot get frustrated back and I end up taking it all out on my husband. I knot it isn't healthy and I should try to find some sort of means of releasing my frustrations a different way before my head explodes.

Right now I feel like everything is moving on and I am being left behind. I see the pathway I need to take however it is moving so quickly that I'm afraid I'll be knocked down and will not be able to get back up. It's safer on the side, even though I know I'm at a stand still.

Motivation

Ugh. I don't know where my motivation has gone... but it has left the building. I don't know what it is. I'm quite disappointed in myself. Actually, I'm extremely disappointed in myself. I was doing so incredibly well.

I went on vacation and ate terribly, Chris and I said it was a vacation from everything. Unfortunately, my motivation that I thought would eagerly return... hasn't. Chris and I got engaged in Vegas and I figured wanting to fit into a wedding dress would be the best motivation a girl could possibly want. I don't know why it isn't though.

I have decided that tomorrow is a new day, and I will start eating correctly and I will start working out the way I was. No more bullshit excuses I keep giving myself. That's my new motto. No more bullshit.

Crazy Life

So things have been extremely crazy... My Grandma is in the hospital. She started to not feel her legs, so yesterday she went in for surgery. My Mom and I went out to Burleson to visit her in the hospital and wait with my Grandpa while she was still in surgery and in recovery. We got there a little after 8pm, but she didn't get out of the recovery room and up into her room until around 11:40ish. After we got back up to the room I don't know what really caused it, but while standing outside her room... I passed out. I fell and when I finally regained conciousness there was like 6 nurses huddled around me trying to see if I was okay. That has to be the worst place ever to pass out. They kept trying to get me to go to the ER because I was pale and stuff. I don't do well in hospitals so I just felt like I needed to get some air. So Mom took me in a wheelchair outside, and I started feeling much better. Thank goodness I am an adult so that they couldn't require me to go to the ER. But besides all that... my Grandma is doing well and the surgery went really well.

This past Monday weigh in I hit the total loss of 50lbs. I was very happy with myself, except this whole week I haven't below or even near that since Monday. Hopefully by next Monday I will be nearer to the 196 mark that I was last Monday. Oh well, it's not a race but a journey that does have an end.

Bleh, I'm in pain so I'm going to stop now... toodles.

I am alive!

So things are going really good! I'm finally out of the 200's and into one-derland! ^_^ It's really amazing, I haven't been under 200lbs in... seriously I cannot even remember the last time that I was. Unfortunatetly, when I look at myself in the mirror I still see the 246lb girl. Even though my clothes have gotten looser and I have changed pants sizes. I don't know... I think it's just something that girls do. We never view ourselves how others see us. Oh well, hopefully when I get down to my goal weight I'll finally be happy and be able to not look in the mirror and hate what I see. I really hope that day is coming. So I've been recording my inches so I'm going to post them here just to see how many total inches I've lost.

Arms:
04/28 - 16"
08/27 - 13.75"
Total lost on arms - 2.25"

Bust
04/28 - 48"
08/27 - 44.35"
Total lost on bust - 3.65"

Chest:
04/28 - 44.5"
08/27 - 37"
Total lost on chest: 7.5"

Neck:
04/28 - 15.75"
08/27 - 14.25"
Total lost on neck: 1.5"

Stomach:
04/28 - 47.50"
08/27 - 41.75"
Total lost on stomach: 5.75"

Thighs:
04/28 - 24.5"
08/27 - 22.25"
Total lost on thighs: 2.25"

Total inches lost: 22.9"

Holy moly! 22.9", that is craziness! o_O That is impressive... but hot dang it still doesn't feel like I've lost 48.2lbs and 22.9"...

I'm done, I've got yoga in the morning with my madre.

>_<

I have plateaued. I'm super pissed. I haven't been doing as much working out as I was... I don't know why I can't get back into the swing of working out. However, on Tuesday I did hurt my knee while playing raquetball and then it started hurting again on Wednesday night while Chris and I were "playing" soccer. Ugh, I don't know what my freaking problem is!

I have been doing kinda bad this past week food wise as well. I think one of my problems is that I'm supposed to start next week. So maybe I'll blame it on Aunt Flo...?

I haven't wanted to blog either - most likely that is because I'm not reporting a loss. I have even kinda stopped constantly checking TDP. I just log my stuff and go on with my life.

Liking the schedule change, but very hard to go back to work after a nice little 2 days in a row vacation LoL.

Dreaded Monday

I knew I would be up in the poundage after the week I had. I'm really bummed, but it's stupid to get so down and depressed about 0.4lbs. I guess I've kinda hit a plateau. I'm just in a really... down about it. It also doesn't help that I am on my 5th day of working in a row and I still have one more day until I get a day off. I know normal people working 5 days in a row... but before my schedule changed I worked 3 days in a row max! Oh well, after tomorrow it will all work out.

I really don't feel like updating anymore. Peace.

Ugh..

So yesterday ended up being our cheat day instead of next week. Ionno why, but it just seemed to work out that way. It was alright. I haven't been too impressed with myself after a cheat day or during in fact. I get so excited that I'm "allowed" to eat whatever the heck I want. I start stressing over what I want. It's just supposed to be a fun, not caring, no counting day. But it just never is.

We ate at Golden Corral - which isn't one of my favorite places, and isn't something I really wanted to have for my day of cheating. I over ate - and I felt like utter shit afterwards for it. Seriously, waiting for Chris to finish eating I thought I was going to throw up. At that very point I started to understand how people become bulimic. I wanted to go and throw up everything I just ate to make myself feel better and so that I would not gain any weight. It scared me. Just to let everyone know I didn't. I just got home and laid on the couch in disgust with myself while watching TV. I have always said that I like food way to much - and I could never possibly get/have an eating disorder, but than again I did kind of have an eating disorder. I ate whenever I was bored, upset, nervous, excited, etc... How could I have viewed the way I was living before as being healthy? I keep wanting to type that I will never become ana or mia, I don't think I ever will because I have a problem with being too hungry and I absolutely hate the thought of making myself throw up.

I'm better though.